Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Fake Swearing

Okay, Internet. Several of you have now asked about some of my more colorful phrases, such as "catlicking" and "Laws!" Why in the name of Yoda (there's another one) would I say such things?

Here's your answer:

Captain Crazy Cubbypants here has not only developed the ability to understand people when they speak, but also to repeat them. Often, the results are amusing, like last night when he said, "I'm not a monster, you know," and "Sorry I freaked out back there, Daddy." What would not be so cute would be if he learned some of the choice four letter words that used to be such an important part of my vocabulary.

Okay, it would be kind of cute. But it would not be, so much, socially acceptable. Steve even calls me out for using the word crap. I was like, "Are you fucking kidding me? I can't say crap?" And then he pointed out that if Jack started saying crap, it would not sound too good to, say, his teachers or people at churches we are auditioning.

So, what's a mom to do? If you smack your funny bone, saying, "GOLLY, THAT SMARTS!" is not at all satisfying. So, I make up my own swear words. And if this means that one day Jack will get caught saying, "For the love of Yoda, Catlicker, if you don't give me back my catlicking Roary, I don't know what I'm going to do," I think I can live with that.

12 comments:

chloe elizabeth said...

Laughing out loud right now!

There's a super funny part in Catch and Release (a relatively lame movie) where Jennifer Garner says, "she's effin p.o.ed". It cracks me up every time.

Catlicker/ing is great! Totally effective, totally revolting, and totally appropriate.

newsjunkie said...

That's just awesome! You're like my model Mommy.

My brother had to learn quickly about swearing in front of children when his youngest started talking. (His oldest has Cerebral Palsy and although he vocalizes, he doesn't form actual words.) We were in the car once and my brother swore, and here was little 2-year-old Vinny singing "shit, shit, shit, shit" in the back seat for the rest of the ride. It was cute, but definitely not socially acceptable.

Topher said...

Wow. That's catlicking awesome!

K said...

In honor of Thomas, we say "cross" a lot, as it "You're making me cross, Andy!" It's better than what I want to say, "If you do that one more time, I'm going to f*cking smack you."

Meg said...

I grew up with "sugar!" and "fudge!" as substitute expletives (and still use them), definitely not as creative!

Jess said...

My kids are gonna need to invest ine armuffs b/c I don't think I could ever curb my sailor speak.

RazZDoodle said...

I loved it when my 4 year old swore for the first time. Apparently, she was going to "beat some ass" when we were done with dinner. I teared up when i heard that. They grow up so goddamn fast.

bill said...

I get a lot of mileage out of "Awe...Sugar Honey Iced Tea!" from Madagascar. I almost fell over when I heard that in the movie the first time. I'll definitely try to work in a few "catlicking" tirades now though. How about this: <entering room with stern look upon face> "What is this catlicking sugar honey iced tea!?!?"

the weirdgirl said...

We're in the same boat and my husband is NOT DOING WELL controlling his mouth! I mean, I slip sometimes but it's nothing to my husband in the car.

I doubt I can get him to say catlicker, although I would be highly amused.

Nibbles said...

Your substitutes are the best. Much better than the "cheese and rice" and "friggin'" most people I know use!

Nibbles said...

Your substitutes are the best. Much better than the "cheese and rice" and "friggin'" most people I know use!

Nibbles said...

Your substitutes are the best. Much better than the "cheese and rice" and "friggin'" most people I know use!